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Manifesto - By P.J. O'Rourke
From P.J.O'Rourke's book, "Holidays
In Hell." While visiting England, this was his response to
a typical Euroweenie whining about how Americans don't understand
war, that they think war is...
"A John Wayne movie,"
I said. "That's what you were going to say, wasn't it? We
think war is a John Wayne movie. We think life is a John Wayne
movie with good guys and bad guys, as simple as that. Well you
know something, Mr. Limey Poofter? You're right. And let me tell
you who those bad guys are. They're us. WE BE BAD.
"We're the baddest-assed sons
of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three-quarters grizzly
bear and two-thirds car-wreck and descended from a stock-market
crash on our mother's side. You take your Germany, France, and
Spain, roll them all together, and it wouldn't give us room to
park our cars. We're the big boys, Jack, the original giant, economy-sized
new and improved butt-kickers of all time. When we snort coke
in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d'Antibes. And we've
got an American Express credit card limit higher than your piss-ant
metric numbers go."
"You say our country has never
been invaded? You're right, little buddy.Because I'd like to see
the needle-dicked foreigners who'd have the guts to try. We drink
napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a
mugging is our way of saying 'Cheerio'. Hell can't hold our sock-hops.
We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer, and buy
more things than you know the name of. I'd rather be a junkie
in a New York City jail than King, Queen, and Jack of all you
Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and
spit them out before lunch."
Of course, the guy should have punched
me. But this was Europe. He just smiled his shabby, superior European
smile. (God, don't these people have dentists?)
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